FUNNY ENGLISH STORIES 1

 Ex-Famous.
  Every time Joe Mangold went into his local shop or local caf3 or walked down his street, he looked at other people carefully. He wanted to see if people were looking at him. He wanted to see if anyone recognised him.
  Nowadays, Joe was always sad that the woman in the shop never looked at him, and the waiter in the caf3 only nodded hello to him. It was the same everywhere Joe went. Some people said hello to him, but in a way that was entirely normal. Sometimes, when Joe went into a supermarket or was walking along the main street of the city where he lived, people did look at him twice, or they looked at him as if they recognised him. But then they always looked away. Nobody stopped him on the street anymore, nobody offered to buy him a drink, and nobody now ever asked for his autograph, and nobody ever stopped and asked if they could take a photograph with him.
  Joe was in a strange situation. Two years ago, everybody stopped Joe on the street. Two years ago, it had been impossible for him to go more than a few steps before somebody stopped him and asked if it was "really" him, and then they wanted an autograph or a photo. When he went into his shop, the woman was always very friendly. When he went into a supermarket, he saw people stopping to point at him.
  "Is it really him?" they asked, and Joe always stopped and said, "Yes, it`s really me".
  Not anymore. Now, Joe Mangold was ex-famous, a former celebrity, somebody who used to be well-known, but no longer was.
  A lot had changed in two years. Two years ago his picture was in lots of newspapers and magazines. He wrote a book telling his life story. He apeared on chat shows and quiz shows and radio phone-ins. Even though Joe was not particularly thin or healthy, he made a DVD showing people how to follow his diet and fitness programme. It didn`t matter - Joe was famous, so anything with his name on it was successful. Two years ago, Joe Mangold wasn`t just Joe Mangold, the regular, normal person he was today.
  Two years ago, Joe Mangold was "Joe from HouseMates".
  "HouseMates" was one of the most successful reality tv shows of all time. Millions and millions of people watched "HouseMates". Joe had been in the famous house, with all the other people. Millions and millions of people watched Joe every morning when he woke up, every day when he ate and chatted with the other people in the house, and even every night when he was asleep. It was true that Joe was the first person to leave the house on HouseMates. He was voted out when lots of people telephoned in to say that he should leave the house. It didn`t matter; Joe wasn`t disappointed. To tell the truth, he didn`t like being in the HouseMates house much anyway. He didn`t like being watched all the time. He didn`t like the other people who were in the house very much. But because he was the first person out of the HouseMates house, he had more time to enjoy being famous. He made appearances at night clubs, he opened new supermarkets and other celebrities invited him to their parties.
  To tell the truth, Joe didn`t like all this much either. He liked being famous, but he didn`t like being stopped every five minutes, he didn`t like not being able to walk down the street without people pointing at him and shouting at him. He liked to be called "Joe Mangold" and not "Joe from HouseMates", which seemed to be his new name.
  However, being famous was much better than being ex-famous. Now he was no-one. He thought about doing something else with his life, but the truth was Joe had never been very good at anything. He had had a few jobs, but was never successful at anything. "HouseMates" had been the only success in his life.
  He wondered what was worse: being famous or not being famous. Both, he thought, were better than being ex- famous. Now he was nobody.
  Being ex-famous was a strange life. Nobody wanted Joe anymore to visit their nightclubs or open their supermarkets. Sometimes he saw his DVD in the bargain bins and his book in second-hand shops. In the caf3 that morning he sat down as usual with a cup of coffee. Nobody said hello to him. Then he noticed that someone was looking at him. It had been such a long time since anyone had looked at him in that way.
  The woman came up to him.
  "Excuse me... I hope you don`t mind me asking.". "Not at all.".
  "Did you used to be Joe from HouseMates?"
  "Erm... yes... actually, I still am Joe... but now I`m usually just called Joe Mangold.".
  "Wow! What a surprise! Joe from HouseMates! Incredible!" The woman smiled and looked around her as if she couldn`t believe that she was the only person to recognise Joe from HouseMates. "What are you doing now?"
  "Well, erm, nothing much really.".
  "What a shame!" she said. "I thought you were so talented.".
  "Thanks" Joe felt embarrassed. He thought this woman might be mad. "Listen," she continued. "This really is a coincidence meeting you here".
  "Why?" asked Joe.
  "I work for a tv production company, and we`ve just had a brilliant idea".
  "Oh yeah. What`s that?"
  "We`re going to do a reality tv show.".
  "There`s nothing amazing about that.". said Joe. "No, but this one will be different".
  "Why?"
  "This reality show uses people who have all been on reality shows in the past... and puts them all together in a big house!"
  "Oh.". said Joe. "What an interesting idea. I`m not sure that really I`m.".
  "You`ll be great in it!" said the woman. "It`s called Ex-Famous!"
  "Thanks," said Joe. "But, to tell the truth, I`d prefer just not to be famous at all, thanks.".
 




 In My Father`s Footsteps.
  This is the day. Today`s the day.
  Andy knew it the moment he woke up that morning. This was the day he had to make a decision. The sun came in slowly through the red curtains in his bedroom and made him wake up earlier than he wanted to. It didn`t matter. It didn`t matter because today was the day. Andy stayed in his bed for some time, thinking about what he should do.
  It didn`t matter - he had lots of time - he had woken up very early this morning. He lay in his bed thinking about the day that was to come. He lay there thinking about what he should do. The sun shining in through his red curtains became stronger and stronger and eventually he got up, stretched, yawned and went into the bathroom to get washed.
  When he was in the bathroom washing his face he looked at himself in the mirror. "What shall I do today?" he asked his reflection in the mirror. "Should I stay at home, like every Saturday, or should I go?" His reflection didn`t reply to him. He looked at his face, his hair, his eyes. He thought about how much he looked like his father. He was now 32 years old. This was the same age that his father was when Andy was born. 32 years old. Was today the right time to make the journey? When Andy`s father was 32 years old he had already made that journey hundreds of times. For Andy, it was going to be the first time.
  Andy went back into his bedroom and carefully took his clothes out of his wardrobe. He had made the decision. Yes - his lucky shirt. And then, his favourite trousers. He hoped his trousers were going to be lucky trousers too. Then he went into the kitchen to make himself a cup of tea and some toast for breakfast. As he was eating he thought about other people in other parts of the world who went on journeys like the journey he was going to do today.
  He was still thinking about it when he went out of his house and walked down the road to the train station. Such an ordinary beginning for such a special day! He thought. This day, he thought, was more than any ordinary journey. Today was a pilgrimage. Today - for Andy - was a day like going to Rome, or sick people to Lourdes, or the people walking to Santiago de Compostela, or even Mecca.
  Perhaps this was a wicked thought, but that`s how he felt. He thought about his father and he felt how extremely important this day was to him.
  The train arrived and he saw a lot of other people getting on the train who were also making the same pilgrimage as he was. Even though he didn`t know them, they smiled at each other and nodded their heads at each other in a greeting. They recognised each other even though they didn`t know each other. The train started to move out through the town where he grew up - he saw the school where he went when he was little, the park where he played football with his father, and eventually the cemetery where his father was now buried.
  His father had made this pilgrimage many times, but Andy had never gone with him. Andy hadn`t had a good relationship with his father when he was alive, but since he had died a year ago Andy found himself thinking more and more about his father. Now he was going to make the same pilgrimage that his father made so many times because he wanted to understand and remember his father. His father had made this pilgrimage, and his father`s father before that. And now he was doing it. It was a tradition which he felt happy - no, more than happy - he felt proud to be a part of.
  Andy smiled again at the other people on the train. One man smiled back at him. "I haven`t seen you here before", he said, "Is this your first time?"
  "Yes, yes it is" replied Andy.
  "I`ve been coming here for years" said the man. The train arrived at the station and they all got off. Now there were hundreds - no, more than hundreds - there were thousands of people there. They were all dressed in the same colours. They were all walking in the same direction.
  "Makes you feel proud, doesn`t it?" said the man to Andy. He was right - Andy did feel proud. They walked together out of the station and onto the main road. The place of pilgrimage was there in front of them, only a few hundred metres away now. The thousands of other people became tens of thousands of people, everybody walking in the same direction, everybody together, lots of people singing old songs. Andy remembered his father singing some of those so